I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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