failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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