You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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