Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
