At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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