is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
