well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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