you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
