U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
