I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
