anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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