You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
