If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
