Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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