Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
