okay pat passed out under dana's car
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
