My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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