i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
