The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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