On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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