I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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