Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
