Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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