shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
