True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have aggressive nipples.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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