Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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