And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
