I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
