I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
