Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
