The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
