There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Vodka?
Forever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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