theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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