hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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