I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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