i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
