We're like a lot better than the average bears
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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