I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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