I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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