you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
