she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
false alarm, still single
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
