I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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