i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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