I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
