first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
