I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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