I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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