fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
