I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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