btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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