I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
